And So It Goes

Well, at last, a moment to sit down at my computer and just let go. The craziness of the last few days has really prevented me from relating how everything is really going in my life. I hate to always be so incredibly depressing. I honestly do, though few would believe that I prefer this state of misery. Well, I say to that, if they only knew. I want so badly to always pretend that everything is fine, bright and shinning and happy so that I won't pull anyone down with me. I can do that in front of a crowd, yet that sort of front seems wasted on me, myself, and my computer screen. I am not happy. With the exception of a few brief glimmers of joy, I feel as if everything I know is falling down around me. Everything and everyone I thought I could believe in is crumbling to the ground. The worst part is that I cannot tell if this is God's work or my own. Is this me denying the joy of the cross or being forced to face it? I have described my current state to some as humbled, and to others as broken. The truth is that I am miserable and desperately lonely. If college has changed me in any way, it has made me into an incredibly social person. I love being surrounded by friends, enjoying their company, confidences, and the hundreds of gifts they have to offer. My friends are my world, I would do anything for them. Sadly, for the past few months I have felt those friends slipping right through my fingers, no matter how tightly I try to grab on. Is it because I took them for granted, assuming that they felt the same and would stick by me no matter? Is it because I've substituted friendships for my relationships with God? If yes to either, I must admit to extreme disappointment in myself. I am so thankful for each and every person that God has gifted me with and yet maybe I have been remiss in not telling them so. My friends are an extension of my relationship with God and I honestly feel that I worship Him better because of them. As wonderful as they are though, I would hate to think that I have placed them higher than my Lord. Whatever the lesson or the end, the means have certianly dragged on and on. I cannot remember a time when I have been so alone. I can be in a room full of people and feel as if there isnt a single person there who cares whether I come or go. As much as I would like to give people the benefit of the doubt, their attitudes, their actions suggest that what I fear might actually be true. I have been in Gainesville for 3 years now and currently feel that I have made no progress since the time I arrived as a freshman. I have moved in one large, extremely painful circle, making friends and then losing them for some unknown reason. And it's always the friends that I have grown to trust and rely on more than others that suddenly get up and go. Maybe its me, maybe its them, I dont know. What I do know is that I'm tired of being so miserable all the time. I'm tired of feeling like crawling into bed and not ever getting out. I WANT TO BE HAPPY! Is that so much to ask?
#