Tuesday, December 18, 2001
Much to the disappointment of myself, my mother, and countless friends, I am terrified. I have lived so much of my life alone, somewhat because I have chosen to do so, but I'm afraid mostly because I have driven everyone away. I drive around Gainesville alone, I walk around WalMart much the same way, I spend most nights with my cat, and have been unable to find anyone suitable to live with. I fear that my life will be like this forever. When I was seven, my class assignment was to make a list of our biggest fears. High atop death, throwing up, and birds sat being alone. All I've ever wanted was a simple life with a happy ending. A husband, children, a dog or two, and a cute stone cottage nestled in the wilds of the Smokey Mountians or on some rolling English plain. I sit next to Jamie and Lindy in church and become envious of his hand on her knee, not because I don't have that right now but because I am afraid I never will.
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