Friday, May 28, 2004
I'm having a crisis of faith. Recent events may seem to have brought it on, but, really, it's been coming for almost a year now. This revelation came last weekend when I met a boy. Seems silly, but that's the sad, pathetic truth.
When I moved back into my parents home, back to the town that I swore I would never habitate again, I had a plan. It was a simple plan-work, earn money, save said money, move as far away from here as realistically possible. The end destination has changed from time to time, but the rest of the plan has remained steadily intact. No where in that plan did I mention meeting a boy, falling for said boy, and driving myself crazy trying read his mind. Imagine my surprise when all of these feelings began to surface only hours after seeing each other for the first time. Yes, he is beautiful, even with the shaggy beard grown for playoff superstition. Yes, he is incredibly nice, and open, and just the type of guy I would love to be with, but I HAD A PLAN. Maybe it's delirium brought on by excessive loneliness, maybe I'm gagging for a good snog, but I haven't stopped thinking about this boy since we said goodbye. Nothing really too upsetting, yet. Nothing that could possibly bring on something as strong as a crisis, yet.
That is until Tuesday, after the previously mentioned delirium had drained all rational thought from my head, I called him. I know, I know, I said I was crazy. I called him and left a message, a casual message, a friend-type message inviting him to lunch sometime this week. The crisis comes from the fact that he hasn't called back. Still not a big deal, for some people, but for me, it's been devastating. I can only remember one time being this emotional over a boy, OVER A BOY. Granted he is a very special boy, but his seeming rejection touches on something hiding just under the surface.
The plan may have amazing possibilities, with enough money and some serious focus I could land anywhere my little heart desires. But the plan also has a Jeykll-like quality in that focusing only on the end result has meant sacrificing myself to loneliness. Enacting the plan proved to be an ordeal all its own and landing a respectable job turned out to be a hell of a lot harder than I originally imagined. After almost a year, I managed a find a desk and a paycheck to suit my temporary mindset. Instead of feeling fulfilled, though, the lack of people to share my time with has made life almost unbearable. I've attempted to replace people with workaholism, alcoholism, pilates and retail therapy, but only end up broke and sore with a ridiculous headache.
When the boy came along, I thought, "Finally, at the very least, a new friend." It seems God, however, has other things in mind, or rather, things on His mind other than my happiness. Steady, reliable friends have been unattainable, a boyfriend unthinkable, and despite almost constant prayer and meditation on the subject, misery seems to have taken up permanent residence.
I am so sad, sad because rejection always sucks, but even more sad because I feel abandoned and my faith has taken a nose dive. I only hope things turn up soon before I hollow out completely.
Pray for me.
#
When I moved back into my parents home, back to the town that I swore I would never habitate again, I had a plan. It was a simple plan-work, earn money, save said money, move as far away from here as realistically possible. The end destination has changed from time to time, but the rest of the plan has remained steadily intact. No where in that plan did I mention meeting a boy, falling for said boy, and driving myself crazy trying read his mind. Imagine my surprise when all of these feelings began to surface only hours after seeing each other for the first time. Yes, he is beautiful, even with the shaggy beard grown for playoff superstition. Yes, he is incredibly nice, and open, and just the type of guy I would love to be with, but I HAD A PLAN. Maybe it's delirium brought on by excessive loneliness, maybe I'm gagging for a good snog, but I haven't stopped thinking about this boy since we said goodbye. Nothing really too upsetting, yet. Nothing that could possibly bring on something as strong as a crisis, yet.
That is until Tuesday, after the previously mentioned delirium had drained all rational thought from my head, I called him. I know, I know, I said I was crazy. I called him and left a message, a casual message, a friend-type message inviting him to lunch sometime this week. The crisis comes from the fact that he hasn't called back. Still not a big deal, for some people, but for me, it's been devastating. I can only remember one time being this emotional over a boy, OVER A BOY. Granted he is a very special boy, but his seeming rejection touches on something hiding just under the surface.
The plan may have amazing possibilities, with enough money and some serious focus I could land anywhere my little heart desires. But the plan also has a Jeykll-like quality in that focusing only on the end result has meant sacrificing myself to loneliness. Enacting the plan proved to be an ordeal all its own and landing a respectable job turned out to be a hell of a lot harder than I originally imagined. After almost a year, I managed a find a desk and a paycheck to suit my temporary mindset. Instead of feeling fulfilled, though, the lack of people to share my time with has made life almost unbearable. I've attempted to replace people with workaholism, alcoholism, pilates and retail therapy, but only end up broke and sore with a ridiculous headache.
When the boy came along, I thought, "Finally, at the very least, a new friend." It seems God, however, has other things in mind, or rather, things on His mind other than my happiness. Steady, reliable friends have been unattainable, a boyfriend unthinkable, and despite almost constant prayer and meditation on the subject, misery seems to have taken up permanent residence.
I am so sad, sad because rejection always sucks, but even more sad because I feel abandoned and my faith has taken a nose dive. I only hope things turn up soon before I hollow out completely.
Pray for me.
#
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