Tuesday, January 25, 2005
If Only I Don't Bend And Break
January marks three months at my not-so-new job, a milestone to say the least. Three months employed and on my own in a place that becomes more and more familiar everyday. A lifetime has passed since I drove into town, my little head full of big ideas, and yet it's really been only a handful of weeks. It has been quite an adventure, full of the peaks and valleys you always have to overcome in life. I must admit to a modicum of pride from having blazed this trail almost entirely on my own. Of course, it’s always better if you have someone to travel that road with you, helping you when the highs are too high and the lows too low, but I would say I’m managing fairly well on my own. I do have to say, though, it hasn’t been easy.
Nothing is perfect, you know, and sometimes I think I expect perfection too often from the people and circumstances surrounding my life. I’ve struggled with the crippling nature of disappointment, expecting entirely too much from people and finding it nearly impossible to forgive when they fail to meet the bar. Despite my relentless pursuit of the unattainable, I have gathered a small group of people that I care for tremendously and I’m surprised by how many of them have actually managed to stick around, putting up with my ridiculous moods and forgiving me time and time again.
I struggle the most with the fact that nothing ever stays the same here and I've never been an advocate for change. Instead, I thrive under the watchful, secure eye of constancy. I'd like to think that when change inevitably comes I can roll with the punches the same as everyone else, but the horrible awful truth is that change shakes my world and devastates it the way earthquakes might rip apart 3rd world countries. Unfortunately for me the past three months have brought more change than the previous twenty-three years of my life. I often find myself desperately seeking the security I’m addicted to and making a dramatic and elaborate show of the process. There are days when I can hardly catch my breath.
I’m highly optimistic that things will start to settle in the coming weeks, that the path that has been laid out before will become clear. Things can only get better because I would hate to see myself should they take a turn for the worse.
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Nothing is perfect, you know, and sometimes I think I expect perfection too often from the people and circumstances surrounding my life. I’ve struggled with the crippling nature of disappointment, expecting entirely too much from people and finding it nearly impossible to forgive when they fail to meet the bar. Despite my relentless pursuit of the unattainable, I have gathered a small group of people that I care for tremendously and I’m surprised by how many of them have actually managed to stick around, putting up with my ridiculous moods and forgiving me time and time again.
I struggle the most with the fact that nothing ever stays the same here and I've never been an advocate for change. Instead, I thrive under the watchful, secure eye of constancy. I'd like to think that when change inevitably comes I can roll with the punches the same as everyone else, but the horrible awful truth is that change shakes my world and devastates it the way earthquakes might rip apart 3rd world countries. Unfortunately for me the past three months have brought more change than the previous twenty-three years of my life. I often find myself desperately seeking the security I’m addicted to and making a dramatic and elaborate show of the process. There are days when I can hardly catch my breath.
I’m highly optimistic that things will start to settle in the coming weeks, that the path that has been laid out before will become clear. Things can only get better because I would hate to see myself should they take a turn for the worse.
#
Monday, January 24, 2005
Heck Yes
Saturday, January 01, 2005
Happy New Year
So, maybe I spoke to soon. Shortly after the previous entry was posted, plans were formed, hair was curled and I left the house to celebrate New Years as any single girl should. Nothing too elaborate, only an intimate gathering of me, some friends, the guy I served on jury duty with a couple of months ago, one or two reality television celebrities and about 2,500 fellow Tamponians and Outback Bowl tourists. We all piled into the clubs and courtyards of the downtown waterfront district and anxiously awaited midnight's promise of a ball drop and fireworks. In the meantime, we entertained ourselves with over priced and watered down mixed drinks and an informal parade of New Year's attire, ranging from mullets and members only jackets to sequined ball gowns and purple pimp suits. As judging people based solely on their outwards appearance happens to be one of my favorite pastimes, the evening was ripe with enjoyment. Minutes to midnight, we found our way to the parking lot to watch the rockets' red and green and blue glare. 2004 passed away moments later, drowned out by party horns and noisemakers and the slow pop, pop, pop of the rather unimpressive fireworks display. Airwaves were jammed with the requisite celebratory calls from one party to another, making it all but impossible for me to reach out and touch the people who matter most. I mean, what is a New Year's party without a few drunken dials and slurring, "HAPPY NEW YEAR" in a voicemail for someone you hope is your sister.
We soon found our way back to the car and out into the streets crowded with taxi cabs and party buses. Someone from the charter coach in front of us threw a bottle onto the hood of the red Eclipse waiting to turn in the next lane. The unbelievably short and hot headed driver in the Eclipse took the next logical step to answer such an act and proceeded to ram his car into the side of the bus. He then got out of his car, screamed a few choice words in the direction of the bus's driver, got back in the car, ran the red light and sped off into the night. The poor bus driver could only amble onto his next destination as the drunken revelers aboard his coach would not stand to waste another second of their night with reporting the incident. They went on to party and I was soon topping off the night with a couple episodes of Cops and a restless nap on the couch of a friend.
All in all, an enjoyable evening, though not exactly the celebration that memories are made of. I may have broken the streak and only 364 more days to see if this change of New Year's luck continues.
#
We soon found our way back to the car and out into the streets crowded with taxi cabs and party buses. Someone from the charter coach in front of us threw a bottle onto the hood of the red Eclipse waiting to turn in the next lane. The unbelievably short and hot headed driver in the Eclipse took the next logical step to answer such an act and proceeded to ram his car into the side of the bus. He then got out of his car, screamed a few choice words in the direction of the bus's driver, got back in the car, ran the red light and sped off into the night. The poor bus driver could only amble onto his next destination as the drunken revelers aboard his coach would not stand to waste another second of their night with reporting the incident. They went on to party and I was soon topping off the night with a couple episodes of Cops and a restless nap on the couch of a friend.
All in all, an enjoyable evening, though not exactly the celebration that memories are made of. I may have broken the streak and only 364 more days to see if this change of New Year's luck continues.
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