Tuesday, January 25, 2005
If Only I Don't Bend And Break
January marks three months at my not-so-new job, a milestone to say the least. Three months employed and on my own in a place that becomes more and more familiar everyday. A lifetime has passed since I drove into town, my little head full of big ideas, and yet it's really been only a handful of weeks. It has been quite an adventure, full of the peaks and valleys you always have to overcome in life. I must admit to a modicum of pride from having blazed this trail almost entirely on my own. Of course, it’s always better if you have someone to travel that road with you, helping you when the highs are too high and the lows too low, but I would say I’m managing fairly well on my own. I do have to say, though, it hasn’t been easy.
Nothing is perfect, you know, and sometimes I think I expect perfection too often from the people and circumstances surrounding my life. I’ve struggled with the crippling nature of disappointment, expecting entirely too much from people and finding it nearly impossible to forgive when they fail to meet the bar. Despite my relentless pursuit of the unattainable, I have gathered a small group of people that I care for tremendously and I’m surprised by how many of them have actually managed to stick around, putting up with my ridiculous moods and forgiving me time and time again.
I struggle the most with the fact that nothing ever stays the same here and I've never been an advocate for change. Instead, I thrive under the watchful, secure eye of constancy. I'd like to think that when change inevitably comes I can roll with the punches the same as everyone else, but the horrible awful truth is that change shakes my world and devastates it the way earthquakes might rip apart 3rd world countries. Unfortunately for me the past three months have brought more change than the previous twenty-three years of my life. I often find myself desperately seeking the security I’m addicted to and making a dramatic and elaborate show of the process. There are days when I can hardly catch my breath.
I’m highly optimistic that things will start to settle in the coming weeks, that the path that has been laid out before will become clear. Things can only get better because I would hate to see myself should they take a turn for the worse.
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Nothing is perfect, you know, and sometimes I think I expect perfection too often from the people and circumstances surrounding my life. I’ve struggled with the crippling nature of disappointment, expecting entirely too much from people and finding it nearly impossible to forgive when they fail to meet the bar. Despite my relentless pursuit of the unattainable, I have gathered a small group of people that I care for tremendously and I’m surprised by how many of them have actually managed to stick around, putting up with my ridiculous moods and forgiving me time and time again.
I struggle the most with the fact that nothing ever stays the same here and I've never been an advocate for change. Instead, I thrive under the watchful, secure eye of constancy. I'd like to think that when change inevitably comes I can roll with the punches the same as everyone else, but the horrible awful truth is that change shakes my world and devastates it the way earthquakes might rip apart 3rd world countries. Unfortunately for me the past three months have brought more change than the previous twenty-three years of my life. I often find myself desperately seeking the security I’m addicted to and making a dramatic and elaborate show of the process. There are days when I can hardly catch my breath.
I’m highly optimistic that things will start to settle in the coming weeks, that the path that has been laid out before will become clear. Things can only get better because I would hate to see myself should they take a turn for the worse.
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