Wednesday, March 30, 2005
I've had alot on my mind recently, so much to say to so many people. Rather than take the time and effort to confront them one by one, I've addressed each and every issue in an open letter to the following people:
The Girl Scouts of America- This is getting a bit ridiculous. Last month when I purchased two packages of your mouth-watering, can't-wait-to-get-home-to-tear-open-the-box chocolate and peanut butter cookies, I nearly attacked the green clad scout who informed me that these small bites of heaven are now $3.50 a box. Three dollars and fifty cents!? To add insult to injury, there were only 15 cookies in that box. Do you know how long it takes me to eat 15 of your cookies? About three and half minutes. Seriously, ladies, you're just taking advantage of us now and I might have to think about possibly considering purchasing fewer boxes next time.
Truck drivers of America- Please stop. Not only do your road-clogging, filth-spewing vehicles get in my way, slow me down, and cause serious amounts of road rage every single day, but you, drivers, are all generally obnoxious as well. Please note that honking, waving, making kissy faces and winking in my direction will not ever result in anything but complete disgust. Also, GET OUT OF THE LEFT LANE!
Downstairs neighbors- You people are seriously starting to piss me off. You're old, your food smells awful, and your dog shits all over the yard. Please do not come to me to complain about the amount of noise my cat makes in the middle of the afternoon or that the sound of my breathing kept your mother up for hours last night. I've had made some serious efforts in pretending that you and your family do not exist, I only ask that you do the same where I am concerned. Also, I've noticed that the number of felines prowling around outside your door has mulitplied exponentially since the time I moved in five months ago. Please note that cats are not and should not be collectible items unless they are made of glass.
The gentleman brushing his teeth rather energetically in traffic yesterday - Please don't stop. You are the funniest thing I have seen all week. I especially enjoyed the part where you swished your mouth wash for 25 minutes and then capped it all off with a good gargle.
Retailers of America (particulary Banana Republic, Lucky Brand Clothing, Calvin Klein, and TARGET) - Please stop accepting my credit cards. I can't control myself. Me, my quickly declining bank account and future credit score are all counting on you. P.S. I love you.
Chik-Fil-A - Your food is delicious. I noticed that you've started offering Diet Dr. Pepper and for that you have my heart. Fantastic chicken, waffle fries and my beverage of choice, what more could a girl want. Thank you.
Apple Computers - Was it absolutely necessary for you to lower the price of your 4 GB iPod mini only weeks after I purchased mine for $250? The way I see things, you owe me. Big time.
Your consideration in these matters is greatly appreciated.
Sincerely,
#
The Girl Scouts of America- This is getting a bit ridiculous. Last month when I purchased two packages of your mouth-watering, can't-wait-to-get-home-to-tear-open-the-box chocolate and peanut butter cookies, I nearly attacked the green clad scout who informed me that these small bites of heaven are now $3.50 a box. Three dollars and fifty cents!? To add insult to injury, there were only 15 cookies in that box. Do you know how long it takes me to eat 15 of your cookies? About three and half minutes. Seriously, ladies, you're just taking advantage of us now and I might have to think about possibly considering purchasing fewer boxes next time.
Truck drivers of America- Please stop. Not only do your road-clogging, filth-spewing vehicles get in my way, slow me down, and cause serious amounts of road rage every single day, but you, drivers, are all generally obnoxious as well. Please note that honking, waving, making kissy faces and winking in my direction will not ever result in anything but complete disgust. Also, GET OUT OF THE LEFT LANE!
Downstairs neighbors- You people are seriously starting to piss me off. You're old, your food smells awful, and your dog shits all over the yard. Please do not come to me to complain about the amount of noise my cat makes in the middle of the afternoon or that the sound of my breathing kept your mother up for hours last night. I've had made some serious efforts in pretending that you and your family do not exist, I only ask that you do the same where I am concerned. Also, I've noticed that the number of felines prowling around outside your door has mulitplied exponentially since the time I moved in five months ago. Please note that cats are not and should not be collectible items unless they are made of glass.
The gentleman brushing his teeth rather energetically in traffic yesterday - Please don't stop. You are the funniest thing I have seen all week. I especially enjoyed the part where you swished your mouth wash for 25 minutes and then capped it all off with a good gargle.
Retailers of America (particulary Banana Republic, Lucky Brand Clothing, Calvin Klein, and TARGET) - Please stop accepting my credit cards. I can't control myself. Me, my quickly declining bank account and future credit score are all counting on you. P.S. I love you.
Chik-Fil-A - Your food is delicious. I noticed that you've started offering Diet Dr. Pepper and for that you have my heart. Fantastic chicken, waffle fries and my beverage of choice, what more could a girl want. Thank you.
Apple Computers - Was it absolutely necessary for you to lower the price of your 4 GB iPod mini only weeks after I purchased mine for $250? The way I see things, you owe me. Big time.
Your consideration in these matters is greatly appreciated.
Sincerely,
#
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