Wednesday, March 09, 2005
Unbreak My Heart
The weather here has taken a turn for the frigid, leaving everyone slightly shocked and trembling in their Bermuda shorts and sleeveless tees. Only days ago the mercury was rising and the temperature was sitting pretty at 70. Saturday was absolutely gorgeous and the park down the street was host to hundreds taking advantage of the glorious day - cute families flying kites, a couple or two lounging in the greening grass and a small wedding party gathered to preserve the moment by the riverside. Today, the skies were gray and angry, not a trace of beauty to be found. The weather inside was dismal as well, clouds darkening the moods of almost everyone. I spent the day on the edge of tears, often giving way to the welling flood of hurt and self-pity. Iron and Wine and Ray Lamontagne spent most of their day breaking my already shattered heart.
My entire world, physical and emotional, seems to be centered around issues of the heart these days. My heart, as in the organ that pumps blood and generally tends to keep you alive, is actually broken due to a slight defect. I’ve had this condition for a few years but in recent weeks things seem to have taken a turn for the unpleasant. Symptoms that once made appearances every few months have now started to occur every few days. Three doctors and a bevy of ER nurses can only offer sympathy, of which they have very little, and a buffet of medications that really don’t work and have the most excruciating side effects. The one thing they don’t have is answers. Why is this happening? How can I fix it? No one seems to know and their remedies resemble a band-aid attempting to cover a gaping wound.
My other heart, as in the emotional center that loves and lives and generally tends to keep you alive, is in a fragile state as well. The past five months have not been easy but they haven’t been tragic, either. I suppose I’m still struggling to find some security, trying to plant myself somewhere safe and lasting with the kind of support that you can only get from people you love and love you in return. In the time I’ve lived as a bona fide adult, I’ve managed to ask a lot of questions and have come up short time and again on answers. But, you know, I think Jack Johnson put it best when he wrote, “Love is the answer, at least, for most of the questions in my heart. Why are we here? Where do we go? How come it’s so hard? It’s not always easy and sometimes life can be deceiving. I’ll tell you one thing, it’s always better when we’re together.”
Make no mistake; I’m not after your pity. I have the market cornered on my own. I know that tomorrow, when the sun shines out from behind the gloom, life will seem much brighter, much lighter. I know that my hearts will mend and answers will come. I know that everything worth wanting takes time. Most importantly, though, I know that grace only comes to the broken.
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My entire world, physical and emotional, seems to be centered around issues of the heart these days. My heart, as in the organ that pumps blood and generally tends to keep you alive, is actually broken due to a slight defect. I’ve had this condition for a few years but in recent weeks things seem to have taken a turn for the unpleasant. Symptoms that once made appearances every few months have now started to occur every few days. Three doctors and a bevy of ER nurses can only offer sympathy, of which they have very little, and a buffet of medications that really don’t work and have the most excruciating side effects. The one thing they don’t have is answers. Why is this happening? How can I fix it? No one seems to know and their remedies resemble a band-aid attempting to cover a gaping wound.
My other heart, as in the emotional center that loves and lives and generally tends to keep you alive, is in a fragile state as well. The past five months have not been easy but they haven’t been tragic, either. I suppose I’m still struggling to find some security, trying to plant myself somewhere safe and lasting with the kind of support that you can only get from people you love and love you in return. In the time I’ve lived as a bona fide adult, I’ve managed to ask a lot of questions and have come up short time and again on answers. But, you know, I think Jack Johnson put it best when he wrote, “Love is the answer, at least, for most of the questions in my heart. Why are we here? Where do we go? How come it’s so hard? It’s not always easy and sometimes life can be deceiving. I’ll tell you one thing, it’s always better when we’re together.”
Make no mistake; I’m not after your pity. I have the market cornered on my own. I know that tomorrow, when the sun shines out from behind the gloom, life will seem much brighter, much lighter. I know that my hearts will mend and answers will come. I know that everything worth wanting takes time. Most importantly, though, I know that grace only comes to the broken.
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