Saturday, July 23, 2005
She Falls Apart in the Avalanche
I have a rather lengthy string of explitives running through my head at the moment. Real words are totally unable express the feelings spewing from my gut, so I've had to resort to the four-letter variety.
My job is gone. Not utterly and completely as I still have some options open to me at my current employer, but the position I've held for the past nine months failed to gain renewal a few weeks ago. I received the awful news on an already diffult Monday and took everything in tremendous stride. Barely any tears and an upbeat proposal from my boss made the news easier to take, especially the bit where I was told that everyone else on the project was renewed except for me. Ouch. Apparently, my efforts were not enough to entice the contractors to keep their current funding level going into the new year. Instead they've sliced the budget in half and decided that two people are more than enough to cover the state. I can't say I was taken completely by surprise, it seemed to go right along with the fact that every other aspect of my personal life has gone to total shit as well.
I wish I had some cool story to tell about my loss of gainful employment, like I got "dooced" or told off my boss in some Norma Rae type fashion. But, the simple truth is that I got screwed. Hard. In the a-s-s.
I'm a hard worker, I'm very good at what I do, but for some reason, this whole job/grown-up/responsible member of society thing has proven to be quite impossible to navigate successfully. My father has been at the same job for 15 years, my mother is reaching the ten year mark with her employer. I, on the other hand, have not been able to hold onto a paycheck for even a year at a time. What does this say about me? Maybe that I'm meant to marry rich and shop all day, maybe these employers are intimidated by my incredible beauty and ridiculous charm. Whatever the problem, I'd like to get it resolved ASAP so that I can continue to set city-wide fashion trends and have a car to terrorize fellow drivers. I have becomed very accustomed to the roof over my messy head and the ability to pay for the few meals I manage to eat a week. Losing these rather material things would devastate me, but not nearly as much as packing it up and moving back to my parent's home, defeated and completely embarrassed. So far, this is not even close to becoming an option (Thank GOD) but the way things have played out to this point, I may be closer to this than I want to accept.
Don't get me wrong, I love my parents. I do. But their house is no longer my home. My home is the two-bedroom apartment in the sleepy riverside community with the gorgeous hardwood floors currently smothered in piles of clothes needing to be laundered. My home is the city with its four malls and five Targets and the church filled with people who truly, truly care for me. I love this city, these people, these floors. I know I haven't written much about my time here and what little I did pen seems to be somewhat negative. The truth is that I have spent the last nine months falling in love with this town and the fantastic life provided for me here. And though it seems as though that life is crumbling to bits around me now, I wouldn't take a single second back. Not one.
Now that life has to go on, move forward, even if just one second at a time. Looking too far ahead of that knocks the wind right out of me. So, one second at a time. That's manageable, right?
#
My job is gone. Not utterly and completely as I still have some options open to me at my current employer, but the position I've held for the past nine months failed to gain renewal a few weeks ago. I received the awful news on an already diffult Monday and took everything in tremendous stride. Barely any tears and an upbeat proposal from my boss made the news easier to take, especially the bit where I was told that everyone else on the project was renewed except for me. Ouch. Apparently, my efforts were not enough to entice the contractors to keep their current funding level going into the new year. Instead they've sliced the budget in half and decided that two people are more than enough to cover the state. I can't say I was taken completely by surprise, it seemed to go right along with the fact that every other aspect of my personal life has gone to total shit as well.
I wish I had some cool story to tell about my loss of gainful employment, like I got "dooced" or told off my boss in some Norma Rae type fashion. But, the simple truth is that I got screwed. Hard. In the a-s-s.
I'm a hard worker, I'm very good at what I do, but for some reason, this whole job/grown-up/responsible member of society thing has proven to be quite impossible to navigate successfully. My father has been at the same job for 15 years, my mother is reaching the ten year mark with her employer. I, on the other hand, have not been able to hold onto a paycheck for even a year at a time. What does this say about me? Maybe that I'm meant to marry rich and shop all day, maybe these employers are intimidated by my incredible beauty and ridiculous charm. Whatever the problem, I'd like to get it resolved ASAP so that I can continue to set city-wide fashion trends and have a car to terrorize fellow drivers. I have becomed very accustomed to the roof over my messy head and the ability to pay for the few meals I manage to eat a week. Losing these rather material things would devastate me, but not nearly as much as packing it up and moving back to my parent's home, defeated and completely embarrassed. So far, this is not even close to becoming an option (Thank GOD) but the way things have played out to this point, I may be closer to this than I want to accept.
Don't get me wrong, I love my parents. I do. But their house is no longer my home. My home is the two-bedroom apartment in the sleepy riverside community with the gorgeous hardwood floors currently smothered in piles of clothes needing to be laundered. My home is the city with its four malls and five Targets and the church filled with people who truly, truly care for me. I love this city, these people, these floors. I know I haven't written much about my time here and what little I did pen seems to be somewhat negative. The truth is that I have spent the last nine months falling in love with this town and the fantastic life provided for me here. And though it seems as though that life is crumbling to bits around me now, I wouldn't take a single second back. Not one.
Now that life has to go on, move forward, even if just one second at a time. Looking too far ahead of that knocks the wind right out of me. So, one second at a time. That's manageable, right?
#
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