And So It Goes

I really, honestly, can't stand New Year's Eve. Never in my 23 years of observing the passing of one year into another have I enjoyed the madness that tends to mark this so-called holiday. There was one year, maybe two, that stands out as being less miserable than all the others, but most have been the stuff that sad, pathetic romance movies are made of. Take for example the year I watched the ball drop alone, hugging my ragged little bear and sitting on the floor of my living room, my entire family having chosen to sleep their way into January. Or the year I spent fighting off three rather foul smelling Asian men on the dance floor of some random club, unable to leave due to the fact that I was at the mercy of my host and his horribly flaky date. This year looks to offer no break from my awful streak of bad luck. After making tentative plans with several people, it appears those plans have all fallen through, leaving me "celebrating" alone at home yet again. Not even Dick Clark will be joining me this year.
There has got to be more to it than this, something I'm missing or maybe just misunderstood. Maybe there is something lacking in my approach to New Year's that makes each and every occurence an in-depth study into human misery and unmet expectations. Or maybe, just maybe, everyone else on this planet was born with a "Happy New Year" gene and by some weird genetic mutation I was born without this vital DNA strand thus making it physically impossible for me to enjoy myself.
Whatever the cause, my heart is heavy tonight. Because as much as I can't stand this holiday, I want SO badly to savor every second of it. I would LOVE to ring in the new year with good cheer and a genuine smile and be able to understand why people celebrate. But for now, I guess that understanding will just take a little longer.
Hope you have a Happy New Year. Have fun and be good.
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Well, not so much anymore as the temperature here in Central Florida has sky-rocketed up to 70 over the past few days. I'm working in Orlando this week, killing time in between holidays and making entirely too frequent trips to the many malls this town has to offer. Four, at least. I don't know why this impresses me so much, Tampa has just as many, as does Jacksonville. I guess the lonely nature of business trips seems to heighten every emotion. Empty hotel rooms, tables for one, solitary wanderings around a town I've grown to dislike immensely. I miss my house, my bed, and the people I've come to rely on and care for deeply. I've taken to Jacksonville unbelievably well and I've become accustomed to the complete contentment my life provides.
Christmas was good but brief. Three short days then it was back to the grind as though nothing really extra ordinary had taken place. Now we're just days away from another new year and I don't know really how to feel. This was a great year. God was good to me and has provided for me in ways I could never deserve. A new year, a clean slate makes me nervous. Hundreds of new days to fill with greatness but, in reality, I'm much more likely to use that time to screw up. I can't see what's coming and I don't know what to expect and I'm terrified of being totaly blindsided by the curveballs coming in my direction. On the other hand, I could spend the next year being pleasantly surprised by the completely unpredictable nature of things. But isn't that what life is really about? Taking the good with the bad, catching everything that life has to throw at us and doing it all with what little grace and dignity we are provided. The problem, I'm about as graceful as an elephant doing ballet. So, we'll see I guess.
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The halls at work today are eerie and empty as most of the staff has off to prepare for tonight's Christmas party. After a morning full of rain, the skies have cleared and the air has cooled. The mood inside is still considerably dark, though, as the clouds have yet to clear from above my head. This has been a considerably unsettling week, leaving a rather unpleasant knot sitting hard in my stomach. Things have started to unravel, both professionally and personally, and I find that the harder I try to hold onto things the more I lose my grip all together.
So today in this empty office, I shut my door, turned up the music and sobbed. I've heard it said that crying is only an expression of self-pity and I have to say that I can't disagree with that. Today I cried because I feel alone and unloved. I cried because I feel like my best is not enough. I cried because I'm hurt and frustrated and disappointed and tired. I had no idea how exhausting it is to fake your way to happiness, how overwhelming it can be to slap on a happy smile when all you want to do is sink further into bed. My life feels as though it's falling apart and I cried because I won't burden anyone else with helping me pick up the pieces nor do I feel like anyone would if I bothered to ask.
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