And So It Goes

I have a story due at 8 o'clock tomorrow morning and writing on here is not going to help me finish it in any way, shape or form. And yet, here I sit, tapping away. I'm making myself feel better by telling myself that all this writing will get the brain juices flowing and will help me think of something to write about.
I love so many things. I like to think of myself as a loving person, so naturally loving things fall in line with that sort of character trait. First of all, I love my God. For the past week, I've had the RUF at Auburn CD in my car and haven't been able to turn it off. Yes, for some this might seem monotonous, however I could sing hymns to God all day and never tire of it. For some reason, other praise and worship songs just can't compare to old hymns. What's the difference? I have no idea.
I love my church. I love my pastor. Those two go together because I really don't separate the two in my head. I have never, in my life, looked forward to going to church as much as I do now. Rob is absolutely amazing. I've signed up to help with Children's Church for a few Sundays, but still have yet to pick the dates because I can't stand to miss one word that the man says. Yes, I am incredibly selfish, but what can I say?
I love fall days. There is a briskness in the air that gives me so much energy. I always feel so alive in the fall. Granted, this fall comes with so many memories, and it's hard to feel the chill in the wind and not think back to last autumn. But, I can't let that stop me from enjoying every single second. That would be like not eating ice cream because you got a cavity one time. Fall makes me want to move up north. I close my eyes and pretend that I am sitting on top of a mountian in North Carolina and feel so at home.
I love fresh flowers. On my way home tonight, I stopped by the grocery store just to buy some. My house needed some life, flowers seemed to do just the trick.
I love my friends. I can tell who they are because they are the ones who have seen me at the times when I have been completely stripped of any front and they are still around. They are the ones who even though I know I annoy the curses out of them they still call me to hang out on Friday night. They are the ones who laugh at the jokes I tell that they have heard a hundred times. They are the ones who know how bad a player I am and yet still invite me to play Ultimate or football. They are the ones whose faces plaster the walls of my room and my study because I love to look at them. I love my friends, in fact I cannot get enough of them. I don't think any of them has an idea about how wonderful I think they are. Maybe I should tell them. That would be a good idea.
I love strawberry Starbursts. I say that because I have one in my mouth right now.
I love my president. I am proud to say I voted for Bush. Bush is an amazing man, but so many people are blind to that fact. God has truly place His man in office at a time when our country needs him most. George Bush has his faults, but its nice to see him admit to those and move on. Bush has made his mistakes, but God has forgiven so what right do American people have to hang those over his head? I think we have been without genuine leadership for so long that we have forgotten what it looks like.
I love the fact that its almost midnight and I haven't even started my story. I guess I'll get started on that, it's not like I have anything better to do.
#

OH MY GOODNESS! I cannot tell you how much I LOVE Gator football! Not only did we win, not only did we get sweet revenge, but we humiliated Mississippi State with a final score of 52-0. THAT, my friends, is a football game. Oh me of little faith, I must admit to some doubts as to whether my boys could pull this game off. A strong start doesnt always ensure a win, but I doubt no more. The Gators were on fire tonight, it was a privelege to have been there. I would stay in college forever just for the football. What a win, what a day.
#

Have you ever been so absorbed in your thoughts that you have no idea how you came to be somewhere? The only problem I see in this is never knowing you have arrived.
#

So, in one of my classes we are learning about what attracts people to other people. Not necessarily in romantic relationships, but friendships as well. Anyways, supposedly, we are attracted to people who are like us, but different in positive ways, people who can give us something, etc. My point is that I guess that no one really sees any of those things in me. I hate to have a pity party, but I hate going to someone's house and feeling completely out of place and not really welcome even more. What really gets me are the times when I'm cool to hang out with until someone better shows up. I think that is my favorite. No better way to make a person feel like a valid human being. I wonder what it is about me that makes people dislike me so, or even if they don't dislike me, view me as less or unworthy. What is the difference? You know, its not that I need to be constantly praised and reassured, but feeling like people want to hang out with you would make things so much better for me. I think I'm fun, why don't other people? Sometimes I start to think, if they only knew me, then they would want to hang out with me all the time, but then I stop myself and realize that even if they did, it wouldnt change things at all.
#

Oh my goodness, I cannot believe how this life has been turned upside down in the past week. I cannot even begin to comment on the tragedy our nation has faced within the past days. I have had so many thoughts on the subject, from deep sadness to extreme frustration. The 6,000+ people who lost their lives last Tuesday have as much a right to be sitting in their homes, with their families, as I do. What makes me so different that I have the gift of waking up this morning to a beautiful day? My heart goes out to the husbands, wives and especially children who have lost someone in this tragedy. I too champion America's newest heroes, found in the men and women working to clear away the rubble that has been left. I say all of this to show that I am not by any means unfeeling and unpatriotic, so I hope what I say next doesnt portray me as such.
Today as I was driving to school I saw a car that had "Kill Bin Laden" written on the back window. I must say that I was taken aback by this bold statement and was completely disgusted with whoever wrote this purely hateful message. Hate of this nature is what brought us as a nation, as a world, to this point in history. Hate is what dropped bombs in Pearl Harbor, hate is what forced Jews into Nazi camps, hate is what caused 19 men to hijack planes and fly 266 Americans to their deaths. Hate like this has no place here. Plastering a death wish across your car is as hateful and terroristic as killing 6,000 innocent people. I too want America to respond to this act. I want revenge as much as the next person. But I cannot wish for the death of someone, even if it is Osama Bin Laden. I will not stoop to their level.
I want to get on with my life. I will never forget the events of September 11, 2001. Like Pearl Harbor is engrained in the minds of my grandparents' generation so will this be forever in my thoughts. This is my Pearl Harbor. But I can't, I won't, watch hour after hour of news broadcast. I turn the TV off in order to avoid seeing anything to do with the World Trade Centers. It's not that I don't care, but sensationalizing these things to such a point trivializes the deaths of these people and turns all of us into paranoid freaks. Yes, this is tragic and heartbreaking. Yes, this is a turning point for America. So, let us unite and uphold each other. Let us together show that we are better and stronger than the people who did this and let's get on with our lives. I think that is what everyone who died last Tuesday would have wanted.
#

I have so much to say, but too sick to sit and say it all. I hate being sick.
#

God has so much to say to us. Why is it that I am often never quiet long enough to hear anything? Three o'clock in the morning is the best time I have found to listen. It's just me, and God, and all of His glorious creation. God speaks through people, too. Finding His voice in them, I think, is the hardest thing to do. There is so much to say in silence, often so much more than in talking incessantly. Most everyone knows how to hear, it's learning to listen that makes all the difference.
#

Why can't everyone's life be like a Jane Austen novel? I guess not everyone would want a life like that, but wouldn't it be wonderful if everyone's life story ended in such a magical and truly happy sort of way. But, I guess I am forgetting the middle pages of the book, where the heroes and heroines must overcome tragedy and heartache and misunderstandings of the terrible kind. I'm in the middle pages of my life. I know there is a happy ending out there somewhere, it's just a matter of working to get there.
#

I've had an epiphany. Granted it came with my face to the ground, completely broken and at my lowest moment, but it should be at those moments that God chooses to reveal Himself and His glory. Yes, I have made mistakes, I have sinned. I am human, believe it or not. But you know, my selfish, stupid choices are hanging on the cross with Christ and I really can't think of anything more beautiful than that. I am not healed, but I am healing. What happened the other night is in the past, and I'm leaving it behind. I guess the question to ask is, can you?
#

I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
I’m just out to find
The better part of me

I’m more than a bird…I’m more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
It’s not easy to be me

Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I’ll never see

It may sound absurd…but don’t be naive
Even Heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed…but won’t you conceed
Even Heroes have the right to dream
It’s not easy to be me

Up, up and away…away from me
It’s all right…You can all sleep sound tonight
I’m not crazy…or anything…

I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
Men weren’t meant to ride
With clouds between their knees

I’m only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me

It’s not easy to be me.

~John Ondrasik


#

What a weekend. I think I could best describe it as extreme. I think I have felt just about every emotion possible this weekend, from lying on the floor sobbing from incredible hurt and loneliness to maximum excitement as the Gators won their opening game. I think I'll start at the beginning, after all, it is the best place to start.
Friday was hard. It is difficult to have the fact that someone cannot stand your very presence constantly shoved in your face. And then to have so many other things shoved in beside that, its the kind of thing that makes for unpleasant parties. I'm just trying to be nice, I'm trying to stay out of your way, the least you could do would be to say hello. Is that too much to ask? I cried the whole way home, I almost hit a tree about a block from your house, but I swerved just in time. I would have hated to put you out by calling and asking you to come to help me. You might have thought I did it on purpose.
Saturday was sooo much better. I LOVE Gator football. I think my $6 dollar tickets are the reason I stay here sometimes. I love how I can go to a game and suddenly my most important problem is whether or not the Gators can pull off one more touchdown before "We are the Boys". I had the best time. After, I got to spend some time with two of the best guys I know. I love those guys, they're more than friends, they're brothers. I wish I could tell them how much they mean to me, but I dont want to sound mushy or cross some weird line.
Sunday was nice. Church was amazing, Rob talked about healing. I needed to hear that everything I am going through right now has a purpose that I am not aware of. I needed to hear that healing will come. IT WILL COME. I had lunch with friends afterwards, that was a bit strained, and then went home and napped until my dad came. My mom and siblings came a while after that. It was nice having my family around. It was like home, only here.
Today was great. I went tubing with a group from RUF. What a way to spend a day. Floating down an ice cold river with 9 great people. God calls us to fellowship, and I think that tubing is definitely a great way to answer that call. Now I am sitting at home, alone but abnormally ok with that.
Tomorrow night is RUF. I'm not necessarily optimistic about the prospect of having encounters with a few people, but I know that Clif will be amazing so that makes up for everything else.
Parts of this weekend have been so very happy and others incredibly sad. I'm afraid that I am becoming ungrateful for the happy moments and dulled to the painful ones. It scares me how numb I am to everything but this queasy tension in the pit of my stomach. What is that? I dont know but it certainly has a knack for keeping me up at night. I wish that things didnt have to be so hard. I wish that things could magically fall into place and everything would be ok. I guess if I got those things, though, I wouldn't have anything else to wish for.
#