And So It Goes

Maybe the cookie dough wasn't such a good idea.
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This is a different morning. Maybe its newness has startled me. I woke up to the oddest feeling. I don't know exactly what this feeling is, I think a mixture of memories and hope of making new and better ones. I cant help but feel impatient for the fall to arrive, with its crisp mornings and November skies. Could this be what peace is? I hestitate to hope so.
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Last night was the first RUF and as I sit here in my bathrobe trying to type this out before I have to go to class I cannot think of the words to adequately to describe how great the night was. I love RUF. I know that if it weren't for RUF, for Clif and all of the friends I have made through this group I would not be here for one reason or another. RUF has helped me through some of the worst times in my life and for that I could never repay them. Last night was amazing, it was exactly what I needed. The room was packed. There were so many people there, I didnt know half of them. When we sang, it was the most beautiful thing. To hear hundreds, yes, hundreds, of voices singing hymns to God, bouncing off the walls and filling the entire room with the most beautiful music...It almost brought me to tears. Then there was Clif. I never realized how much I miss his teaching. I get the feeling from listening last night that this semester's study is going to be one that I, and so many others, desperately need to hear. Wow is about the only thing that comes to mind. There was something in that room last night, but I can't put my finger on it. Maybe it was all the people, maybe it was the overwhelming smell of greasy pizza, i don't know. But I can tell that this semester will be the most interesting one yet.
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Well, at last, a moment to sit down at my computer and just let go. The craziness of the last few days has really prevented me from relating how everything is really going in my life. I hate to always be so incredibly depressing. I honestly do, though few would believe that I prefer this state of misery. Well, I say to that, if they only knew. I want so badly to always pretend that everything is fine, bright and shinning and happy so that I won't pull anyone down with me. I can do that in front of a crowd, yet that sort of front seems wasted on me, myself, and my computer screen. I am not happy. With the exception of a few brief glimmers of joy, I feel as if everything I know is falling down around me. Everything and everyone I thought I could believe in is crumbling to the ground. The worst part is that I cannot tell if this is God's work or my own. Is this me denying the joy of the cross or being forced to face it? I have described my current state to some as humbled, and to others as broken. The truth is that I am miserable and desperately lonely. If college has changed me in any way, it has made me into an incredibly social person. I love being surrounded by friends, enjoying their company, confidences, and the hundreds of gifts they have to offer. My friends are my world, I would do anything for them. Sadly, for the past few months I have felt those friends slipping right through my fingers, no matter how tightly I try to grab on. Is it because I took them for granted, assuming that they felt the same and would stick by me no matter? Is it because I've substituted friendships for my relationships with God? If yes to either, I must admit to extreme disappointment in myself. I am so thankful for each and every person that God has gifted me with and yet maybe I have been remiss in not telling them so. My friends are an extension of my relationship with God and I honestly feel that I worship Him better because of them. As wonderful as they are though, I would hate to think that I have placed them higher than my Lord. Whatever the lesson or the end, the means have certianly dragged on and on. I cannot remember a time when I have been so alone. I can be in a room full of people and feel as if there isnt a single person there who cares whether I come or go. As much as I would like to give people the benefit of the doubt, their attitudes, their actions suggest that what I fear might actually be true. I have been in Gainesville for 3 years now and currently feel that I have made no progress since the time I arrived as a freshman. I have moved in one large, extremely painful circle, making friends and then losing them for some unknown reason. And it's always the friends that I have grown to trust and rely on more than others that suddenly get up and go. Maybe its me, maybe its them, I dont know. What I do know is that I'm tired of being so miserable all the time. I'm tired of feeling like crawling into bed and not ever getting out. I WANT TO BE HAPPY! Is that so much to ask?
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I don't do mornings well. Who is working against me that I end up with a 7:30, Monday morning class?
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Ahhh, the joys of a new semester. The sweltering heat, the miles between classes, and sitting next to two smelly, sweaty people I dont even know. Experiences I wouldnt trade for the world.
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I love how we, as Christians, are often the biggest hypocrites. My eyes are being opened more and more to the fact that even the strongest and most knowledgeable among us are often plagued by hypocrisy of pharisitical proportions. My Christian brothers and sisters should be the ones I turn to in order to receive the love, support, and care that I need. So why is that I often end up having to look elsewhere to find that? Why is it that the friends who know nothing of the love and sacrifice of Christ are generally the ones that best display God's love and the qualities we are called to possess? Yes, I must admit that I myself often fall short of God's expectations of fostering community in the Church. I, too, often prove myself to be a hypocrite and put conditions on the love I should freely give. To love God is to love others, no exceptions, no conditions. We are called into fellowship with other believers, we are called to take stock in our brothers and sisters. So, why is that we often force those needing, no, craving, this fellowship into solitude? Why is it that we so very often turn our backs to the ones we should lovingly embrace in order to seek out "better, more pleasing" company? There are people begging at our feet and yet we walk over them as if they mean nothing. I cannot wait for the time when I may fellowship with the Most High, for He places no expectations, no conditions, no limits on His love. Yes, I am hurting. I feel like Caesar, betrayed by the one he loved most. I am clothed in the same righteousness as you, I am draped in the robes of our Lord, and yet you treat me as if I am wearing rags. Is this what you call fellowship, community? Never so much as now have I understood the nonbeliever's hesitation to enter the church. Shame on us.
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Yesterday was a bad day. It was one of those bad days that should go down in history. I know I talk alot about bad days, but this one takes the cake, and the icing, and just about everything else. Things started out pleasant enough, Bonnie was coming home, I was going to work, everything was happy. That was until 11:40 a.m.. I walked out to my car to get started on my day when I noticed that my doors were unlocked and my dash panel was hanging off the car in a way that most dash panels don't normally hang. Ah, yes, I had been wronged. My poor car the victim of cruel and greedy vandels. And what did they get for their efforts? Not my stereo( no, they left that broken and halfway out), not my case full of valuable CD's(no, that was still sitting on the floor of the passenger side. I guess they didnt care for my taste in music.), but a $30 dollar gift card to Bed, Bath and Beyond. I know I should feel very lucky that the gift card was all that they took. Others were robbed of their radios, CD's, money, etc. But they stole my GIFT CARD! I was going to buy towels! And they put a hole in my door! I'm put out.
Then I found out that a teacher at my high school died this weekend. Not a particularly upsetting event for me, in comparison to the other news of the morning, but this teacher had been teaching as long as anyone could remember. What BHS will do without Mrs. Fussel, I do not know. Then I found out that a woman from my church died that afternoon. Then I saw that five people were murdered in Sacremento by some crazed lunatic. I guess these sort of things happen in life, but they shouldn't ever all happen on a Monday. Mondays are bad enough as they are. So, yes, yesterday was a bad day.
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Can anyone really take Clarissa... I mean, Melissa Joan Hart seriously? I mean she plays Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, on the WB! Come on!
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So, I was driving down the interstate tonight and thought to myself, I could leave town tonight and no one would care or even notice that I was gone. It is true. I could walk out my door and disappear and not a single person in this town would give it a second thought. It is so tempting, almost too tempting. I feel as if I havent a friend in sight here. It is so sad. Nothing is more disheartening than walking in the door, even after you've been gone for days, and there isnt a single message on the machine. No one ever calls. Every night for the past month I have been stuck in this house because no one could be bothered to invite me over or make time in their schedules to even have a cup of coffee or go to a movie. I am so sick of face value friends. They're all about hanging out and spending time to your face but when it comes down to it, it is never a good time for them. I cannot honestly remember a time when I have felt so worthless, so sad, so utterly unloved. My car keys are calling, I'm afraid I might have to answer.
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I miss my roommate. I am so very tired of living in an empty house, spending every night on my very small sofa, and having my cat as my only conversation partner.
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My mother and I went shopping today. I love going shopping with my mother. Nothing compares to the joy that comes in spending your parents' money. Well, nothing that I have found, that is. I'm sure there must be something comparable, like getting married or having a child. But until I find out for myself, I think I'll stick with throwing away someone else's hard earned cash.

Last night, my friend Kristi and I went out with some old friends from high school. It was surreal. I hadn't seen most of them since graduation more than two years ago. I was surprised to see how little people have changed. I felt as if I had become this completely different person, but they stayed exactly the same as they were in high school. I guess that is what happens when you move away and leave everything, and everyone, behind. I have never missed high school so much as I did last night.

I'm excited to get back to school, though. As slow and backwards as it often is, I love Gainesville. I think I love it because almost everyone I love lives there. My friends are my lifelines. I don't know what I would be without the people in my life. I think that friends are God's greatest tangible sign of love. He has graced my life exponentially by giving me the friends that He has. I can't wait to get back to school and see them all. They make me a better person, and that should be the way it goes.
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Well, things are definitely looking up. My so-called bleak summer B has suddenly been redeemed. They posted grades online tonight, and I did wonderfully, as expected! It's funny how two little letters can make the all the bad parts of my day seem insignificant. So what if someone, we'll call him George, is being a monumental jerk? So what if the Bucs are losing to the Dolphins? I got a B in Writing for Mass Communication. Suddenly the world makes sense.
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When did my life get so out of my control? I thought that life is what we made it, but more and more I'm learning that life is what we are given and my life was never under my control to begin with. This isn't what I wanted for my life, this isn't what anyone would want for their life. Here I am, lonely, single, and struggling very hard to get over the first guy I've ever loved and having very little success. It seems like everyone around me is changing, growing, and moving on with their lives but I am stuck in this rut. College years are like waiting rooms. You arent an a child anymore but you dont have all the things that go along with being an adult. Everyone says to enjoy that while I can, and I do. But I'm tired of waiting. I am so ready to move on with things, to have a career, a family, a life. But, God knows what He's doing so I guess I'll just have to wait some more. That's just the way it goes.
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